picking up where I left off...

So yesterday I told you, in my best attempt to describe, how I was feeling the other day and how the Lord brought me through that crazy struggle. He taught me many things through it, and someday I will share with you more about some of them.

But today, is going to be a short one just about a little warfare...

Since I'm hoping to go to Africa in about 2 weeks, I'm supposed to get Yellow Fever, Typphoid, some other shots and start Malaria medication. I had a whole plan worked out for wednesday that after all my classes, I was to go get all of my minor shots taken care of at the health clinic, leave for decatur to see my parents, get a consultation and the big shots from a doctor there and be done with it....And then the tornado came... I knew pretty early on wednesday that my plans for getting this junk taken care off wasn't going to happen and I got a little ticked because I thought, "why in the world, would after all the preparation and willingness to go to Africa, in a culture and language I know very very little of who has maybe 3 Followers of Christ, would this just suddenly all not work out!? If I can't get those shots, the won't let me into the country. BUT shortly after, amidst the storm (coincidence? i think not!) I saw first hand at how mighty God is in this physical universe and just how much His hand is over us all, but from my own lens, how much His hand is over me.

I was spared from any sort of damage, other than a mild affliction of no internet for a day, when the worst series of tornados since the Great depression was running rampant across 7 states. SURELY, God will make a way for me to get a few tiny shots, for diseases which we controls anyway, so that I may serve the people of Senegal. And honestly, if He doesn't want me there then He'll find a way to keep me from going too. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to get there without his preparation.

Hallelujah Amen. Where's the chicken!?

Grace, Tornados, and Warfare

So I think most people in my are would agree that this week has been crazy. Other than just personal stuff I have been working through this week, and a freak tornado-fest wednesday that has done most damage in Alabama than any other storm since 1974. Everyone either has had at least a part of their hometown destroyed and a lot of people have lost loved ones.

Personally, I am doing fine. My last post was a pretty crazy one I know, but I'm not sure how those crazy feelings came up. But God is faithful and after much prayer (not just from me, btw thank you for all those who prayed for me) I am assured in my heart that I can love other's and that I can show it, I just have to find ways in which to show it in different ways so that more people know it. I'm not going to say that I have that par figured out, but it I know it is possible and I know that it will happen, I just have to learn how.

Its crazy though, how so out of alignment we can get. I have a theory thats what happens when we feel as if something in our relationship with God isn't right. Unless its just some unconfessed sin, we do have times where something seems to be blocking. I personally believe its that some part of us is out of sync with the Holy Spirit. The Holy spirit is a constant, its always true, honest and pure. He teaches us the Word (John 14:26) and so he gives us not just the faith in our heart, but the logic in our minds to perceive the word of God. Its why there are verses in the Bible like Proverbs 28:5 "Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the LORD understand it completely." and Romans 12:12 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." 


Because the Spirit is the only thing actually constant in a believer's being, the faulty parts like the heart and mind can get out wack. So you may have time were you know the Spirit is telling you the truth, and you believe it in your heart, but it just doesn't make sense in your mind to which proverbs tells us, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5). Other times you know in your mind and it makes sense to you what the Spirit tells you, but your heart just can't fully grasp it. Not that you don't believe it, somehow the flesh just steps in and gets scared in which many people fall and then fail out of unbelief. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)


And so its in these times that we are in the valley of the shadow of death, because somewhere, the flesh is causing some sort of disfunction. Its how we get into ruts of just reading our Bibles and going to church but not growing. Sin may not necessarily be the problem. Although the flesh only doubts God, we don't have to give in to it when it does because that is the sin.


So all of that to say this, thats where I was the other day. Out of sync, and even though those times really suck, it's good test to see if in the middle of being a...messy human?--thats a good way to put it-- if I can still stand.


I still have some other stuff to say but I may save it for tomorrow. Keep you interested...


And, thank you again for everyone who prayed for me,


Peace and Grace upon you all 

Is it well with my soul?

I know thats probably a really controversial title to this post, but I know for sure in my carnal, unrelenting heart that we all doubt God’s capabilities or at very least our ability to meet His standard (which really is again just doubt God’s father-like understanding, and endless compassion for us) BUT I can honestly say that today I have experienced some of Satan’s finest work in my life. He has brought his double-A game against me, and while I would tell someone else who would say they felt that kind of warfare, “well that should be encouraging that he feels the need to oppress you so much,” and whether its right to feel this way or not, if this is what it means to be encouraged then right now I really would like no part of it! 

Imagine the greatest victory you ever had in your life—the one that made you so sure of yourself and your ability to rise above anything, to be completely turned upside down almost as if your in some sort of Inception type of nightmare within a nightmare and now have to fight that whole battle over in reverse!!

For those of you who don’t know my personal testimony, I struggled very seriously with feeling unloved, unwanted, and un-needed as a senior in high school. At the pinnacle of adolescent stress of graduating and a bad dating relationship with its own problems, issues that I had with my family (which were internalized for years) were added on top of that and drove me to think of suicide as a rational idea….I apologize for hitting you in the face with that but this is going somewhere….

Now almost 4 years later, of feeling like nothing to could ever bring me down or rise up against me like that and steal my heart of joy, the enemy has called me out and really shown me how smart he is. Because now instead of feeling incapable of being loved, I feel incapable TO love others. I feel like I have no idea how to properly let people know that they can trust me, confide in me, or lean on me in time of trouble. Everything I have tried has not worked and I am a loss for how to do this.

The most frustrating part of all of this, is that with where I am right now, I can’t bring myself to say anything encouraging about the way that I feel other than that God is able, and will make a way. Somewhere in my being, the feelings of my heart that question “Can I love?” are out of line with my mind thats says, “I DO love,” and my Spirit that says, “This is the source of your love.” (Jesus, incase that wasn’t clear)

I ask from anyone who reads this, please continue to pray for me. I know that this is all warfare and the battle is raging on right now. If ever in my life, I need such a double portion of grace right now. Not just to combat this affliction, but to also Glory in it the way God has said to in His word.

“But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I didn't forget!

I'm off to a good start, I remembered to return to write about some more stuff. As for the quality of that stuff...well...we're work'n on it...

So I said in the last post that it was going to have to be later days on what I'm learning about people and so today is still not that day because I've still not come to anything solid enough to write about BUT I have more stuff I'm learning about me which I think is going to help with all of that.

If its one thing I do know about people, it;s that we're all different. I am one of them, and so are you, so lets just praise the Lord! Right arm, Lef....sorry. ANYWAY! People are different, and based off of what Carl Jung's 16 personality types test, my type (INTJ) is very uncommon (I'm only like 1-3% of the world!). One of the flaws of this personality type, is a difficulty in responding to things emotionally and as of late I have really noticed it. Descriptions of my personality type says that we often come off as aloof and after I looked up what that word meant, I didn't like it! I don't want to be unfriendly and distant. I had no idea I came off that way, and I really want to find a way to change that. but how do you change the way your brain is hard-wired?

Now, I'm not saying I want to cry more, or take up Interpretive Dancing or something but I want to be able to find a way to show my heart to people and to let them know that I care for their souls, because Christ cares for their souls. So as a start on this journey to "fix" my personality, I am praying for Grace. Grace in the eyes of God, to show me how I can change the way I come off to people, and favorable Grace in the eyes of others that people will at least see that I am trying. What my biggest problem is, is that I honestly don't know how to do this. I'm pretty sure I'm not scared or just don't want to, I just have no idea what I am doing wrong so ff anyone has suggestions on what I can do, I will gladly take them!

Above all else, I ask that you pray for me. Pray that God will break down in me what needs to be broken and build up what needs to be built without any resistance from me.

Peace and Grace!

The Fox says..."and so it begins"

Hopefully this is not just a "thing" that I'll forget about in 3 weeks and never do again because it took me a while to find that cool fox background and think of all that wanna-be clever stuff my profile says...

But mostly I'm doing this so I can have a journal of just what is going on in my mind, what the Lord is doing and how He is working in, through, and around me AND describe how I feel about junk. Even more mostly, this is going to start as a journal to prepare me for my up-coming trip (2 1/2 weeks!!!) to Senegal to spread the love of Jesus to the Wolof people! And so hopefully this blog here, will live past that.

"So whats going on as of late?" you may ask. "Thats and excellent question, thank you for asking," I would say, but then I would say something like....

The Lord is teaching me a lot about perspective of myself and others.

Myself:
      Just in the past few weeks or so, I have invested a lot of thought into where my life is going, what I am doing with it now and if thats where I need to be. I wasn't sure if being in Culinary was right for me, and I kind of want to do Speech Therapy because that would be cool and if I do either of those, where does God want me to live? After a while, I realized that most of that time was wasted and was kind of selfish because when I think about what really is required of me (scripturally) it's black and white what the Bible says are the traits that my life need to be consistent with, to be in the Will of God. (Rom. 12:2, Eph. 6:6, 1 Thes. 4:3, 5: 18, 1 Peter 2:15, 3:17, 4:12. just to name a few.) These have nothing to do with what job I take or what city I live in. Because, as Paul says (in the RIGHT context) to the Philipians "I can do all things through Christ, which strengthen me." That is, not for my gain or what I can accomplish, but what I can to do in order to proclaim the name of Jesus WHEREVER I go. (Can i get and amen!?)
    This means I can be a Chef and can sell food out of a truck on the street or prepare tiny meals with high prices and foreign names, in the name of Jesus. I can be a Speech Therapist and teach people how to speak, in the name of Jesus. I can stay where I am or move to Foxtown, FL (really cool name of a town!) and live for the name of Jesus!

So needless to say, my mind is cleared up of a lot of stuff. It doesn't mean I have it figured out yet, but it's a lot easier for me to not doubt where God has me and chance missing opportunities right in front of me. I'm just waiting until he tells me to move, and until then I will be still and know that He is God.

Later days for what I'm learning about people, because I'm still (with a lot of the Lord's help) sorting it out. Its a trip, man.

Grace and Peace