I know thats probably a really controversial title to this post, but I know for sure in my carnal, unrelenting heart that we all doubt God’s capabilities or at very least our ability to meet His standard (which really is again just doubt God’s father-like understanding, and endless compassion for us) BUT I can honestly say that today I have experienced some of Satan’s finest work in my life. He has brought his double-A game against me, and while I would tell someone else who would say they felt that kind of warfare, “well that should be encouraging that he feels the need to oppress you so much,” and whether its right to feel this way or not, if this is what it means to be encouraged then right now I really would like no part of it!
Imagine the greatest victory you ever had in your life—the one that made you so sure of yourself and your ability to rise above anything, to be completely turned upside down almost as if your in some sort of Inception type of nightmare within a nightmare and now have to fight that whole battle over in reverse!!
For those of you who don’t know my personal testimony, I struggled very seriously with feeling unloved, unwanted, and un-needed as a senior in high school. At the pinnacle of adolescent stress of graduating and a bad dating relationship with its own problems, issues that I had with my family (which were internalized for years) were added on top of that and drove me to think of suicide as a rational idea….I apologize for hitting you in the face with that but this is going somewhere….
Now almost 4 years later, of feeling like nothing to could ever bring me down or rise up against me like that and steal my heart of joy, the enemy has called me out and really shown me how smart he is. Because now instead of feeling incapable of being loved, I feel incapable TO love others. I feel like I have no idea how to properly let people know that they can trust me, confide in me, or lean on me in time of trouble. Everything I have tried has not worked and I am a loss for how to do this.
The most frustrating part of all of this, is that with where I am right now, I can’t bring myself to say anything encouraging about the way that I feel other than that God is able, and will make a way. Somewhere in my being, the feelings of my heart that question “Can I love?” are out of line with my mind thats says, “I DO love,” and my Spirit that says, “This is the source of your love.” (Jesus, incase that wasn’t clear)
I ask from anyone who reads this, please continue to pray for me. I know that this is all warfare and the battle is raging on right now. If ever in my life, I need such a double portion of grace right now. Not just to combat this affliction, but to also Glory in it the way God has said to in His word.
“But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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